Team Dick

Real E-mail: Would You?

Posted by @ 1:42 PM on May 15, 2015

From: [REDACTED]
Sent: Friday, May 15, 2015 1:08 PM
To: Adams, John
Subject: ...

If given – would you keep? If you even had to keep the tailpipes?



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From: Adams, John
Sent: Friday, May 15, 2015 2:23 PM
To: [REDACTED]
Subject: RE: ...

That is a great question. I should immediately say yes. Driving that thing will be VERY fun (and a little scary) and I’ll be on the inside so I don’t have to look at that train-wreck of thing produced by a child gaining access to his mother's makeup kit while unsupervised in a room full of white walls.

But then I look out the rear-view mirror and I see nothing but tailpipe. Then I start to think about how those tailpipes will actually slow the car down because the air pushing down through the pipes will increase pressure up through to the manifold and the cylinders will not be squeezing out all the exhaust gas it should, leaving less room for new, freshly squeezed gasoline and oxygen to ignite and send me forward several miles per hours more than it would with those Fenway Park obstructed view, performance reducing, pipes.

And then, now that my mind has gone in a negative direction, I’ll remember that I’m in a car that has a pattern on it reserved for ladies undergarments who are either from Jersey Shore or over the age of 50. That mental image of Grandma Snooki will percolate and permeate and eventually taint everything that was wholesome and good inside my head and, distracted trying to find a Dyson product for brains and save what few, clean square inches of 70's orange shag carpet there are left in my head, I’ll run someone over. They’ll be thrown up onto the hood and immediately impaled by a hundred little spikes. Were this an animal like a cow, I could say I was just tenderizing the meat and show the bottle of A1 in the trunk to the cops. But if it’s an actual human being I’m going to have a much harder time trying to explain the many divots left in the bloody mass trying to run away screaming, NOT because of they are in physical pain, but running away from the latest offering from Takashi Miike that is that car.

Categories: Cars,Funny,Japan
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