Team Dick

X: Part One

Posted by @ 2:25 PM on Feb 26, 2012

I was wavering between writing a post about fantasy baseball or a radio show that you need to be adding to your listening rotation, when a thread on a message board I frequent forced its way into my brain. Though it would be easy to simply list and post over there, the idea is simply too fun to NOT post here. First, the concept:

 “Okay. You’ve been made editor-in-chief of MARVEL. You have been given a command by your Corporate Disney Masters: Eliminate the entire X-Universe, save twelve. Twelve Mutants to restart the entire X-Franchise. No more, no less. And the kicker? Anyone you DON’T pick will be killed and the character rights sold off so that they can never be brought back to life.”

Great idea, right? You have the power to trim 50 duodecillion mutants down to 12 and potentially save a comic book franchise that has gotten fat and unwieldy. The problems? First, the idea that any you don’t pick gets killed and the character rights sold. It’s unrealistic – if you hate Wolverine and he doesn’t make the cut, do you REALLY think Disney/Marvel would just sell him off? Of course not, so let’s remove that provision right off the bat. The second problem: Wolverine. You may hate him, but he’s not going anywhere. Fanboys, old and young, love Wolverine. It’s why he’s on every X-Men team, the Avengers, has at least two solo books, multiple monthly appearances, and (for all I know) a regular cameo in DC Comics’ titles. Wolverine makes the cut, so there. Last problem: Who are your villains? You gotta have villains, or X-Men becomes Glee with less singing and more superpowers. Which elevates Glee, but who wants that in their monthly fiX-Men?

So. We refine the original premise: One X-Men team. 12 members. No mutant who misses the cut gets to join…EVER. And you better come up with some sweet villains for your team to fight. Got it? Good. Here’s my list:

  1. Cyclops: Scott Summers IS the leader of the team. There’s no way he doesn’t make the cut.
  2. Havok: Alex Summers may be an odd choice, but I actually like him better than his brother. As a field leader and second-in-command, Alex is a no-brainer. More on this later…
  3. Phoenix: Jean Grey-Summers provides your telepathy and telekinesis. Subplots abound with her around, as both the object of Wolverine’s creepy stalker fantasies, and as Cyclops’ wife. Seriously, more on this later…
  4. Beast: Henry McCoy, fuzzy super-genius. He works for his giant brain and his ties to The Avengers.
  5. (Arch)Angel: However you like your Warren Worthington, his status as an original member, and the fact that he’s bleeping rich as bleep make him a necessary addition. SOMEBODY has to fund the marvelous toys Beast invents!!!
  6. Wolverine: Love him or hate him (and I admit, I quite like him), he makes the cut.
  7. Colossus: Peter Rasputin makes the cut thanks to a need for power, a sweet look, and my childhood need for the Fastball Special.
  8. Nightcrawler: Why Marvel decided to kill Kurt Wagner off is beyond me. Great look, and I love teleportation as a power. particularly since this team (spoiler!) won’t have a speedster.
  9. Shadowcat: Kitty Pryde’s phasing powers make her a perfect stealth pick. Her ninja training (from the Kitty Pryde & Wolverine miniseries from the 80s) allows me to pass another mutant over. For now…
  10. Sunfire: Shiro Yoshida provides us with with an elemental representative, and provides some sweet visuals and more international flavor.
  11. Polaris: Lorna Dane. Love interest for Alex Summers, and her power of magnetism provides a nice link to a certain main villain…
  12. Storm: Ororo Munroe almost didn’t make the cut, but I can’t include the rest of my childhood team and not her. And her powers admittedly kick arse…

Already, I hear the cries of fanboys everywhere. “Where’s Rogue and Gambit, or [random mutant you love]???” Not here. “What about New Mutants and X-Force???” None made it cut, sorry. “For Heaven’s sake, where’s CHARLES BLEEPING XAVIER???”

Dead.

And on that bombshell, I leave you to your teeth-gnashing, comments, and hate mail. Part Two will explain why Chuck didn’t make the cut, provide you those sweet villains I promised, and maybe even offer up some solid allies who will help our newly streamlined team in their battles.

Categories: Geek,Uncategorized